I began the "Say this/Not that" series as a faster way for educators and families to empower the vocabularies and self-esteem of their young ones.

I get that we’re all busy, so this is just one word (or phrase) a day, but words are powerful. That’s really all it takes.

Every day, our kids are creating meaning out of the things we say, the things they hear, and the stories they tell themselves. Some words seem harmless. Some feel outdated. And others, like today’s, have lived in classrooms and households for generations.

Today’s word is: “Man up” / “Be a man.”

This one is tricky because adults usually mean well. They think they’re encouraging strength. But what kids hear is:

“Don’t cry.”
“Don’t feel.”
“You’re not enough unless you hide your heart.”

But real strength isn’t about silence. It’s about presence.

Let’s raise boys, and all children, who feel safe to feel.

“Man up.”

You’ve heard it. Maybe even said it. But what does it teach?

That boys shouldn’t cry? That fear makes you weak? That strength means pretending nothing hurts?

Most adults mean to offer courage. But what this phrase actually does is shame vulnerability and silence emotional expression, especially for boys. But, for girls, as well. 

It tells them that the only way to be accepted is to perform a version of manhood (or personhood) that leaves no room for softness.

And we can do better.

How to Talk About It (By Age):

Ages 3–5

“Everyone cries sometimes. That’s okay.”

Ages 6–8

“Being strong means showing your feelings, too.”

Ages 9+

“You don’t have to ‘be a man.’ You can trust how you feel and if you are ever confused, you've got me!”

☑️ Boys who bottle things up

☑️ Kids who say “I’m fine” when clearly hurting

☑️ Anger used as a mask for sadness

☑️ Beliefs like “crying is weak” or “I’m not allowed to feel scared”

 When adults say, “man up,” what they often mean is:

 “Be brave” and “Hold it together.” But without realizing it, they're shaming vulnerability and reinforcing the idea that expressing emotion is wrong.

Let’s help shift the message while keeping the supportive intent intact.