Welcome back to the "Say this/Not that" series. I began this series as a way for educators and families to empower the vocabularies and self-esteem of their young ones.

I get it, life is busy. That’s why it’s just one word or phrase a day. Because even a small shift in language can open up huge shifts in understanding, connection, and confidence.

Today’s phrase is one many of us grew up hearing:

“That’s not ladylike.” 🥴

But this isn’t just about etiquette, it’s about freedom of expression and self confidence. It's important that although they may be young now, we're actually raising adults. What we learn as children isn't simply replaced with new models as we age, it grows. 

The seeds you plant now, grow and flourish. Words are some of our most powerful seeds.

Phrases like this can unintentionally send the message that to be a girl means being small, quiet, agreeable, and “pretty.” And that anything outside of that makes you less.

But we’re raising a new generation.

Let’s teach our kids how to be respectful and expressive, without attaching it to gender roles.

Why this matters:

Let’s talk about the phrase:
“That’s not ladylike.”

Many of us grew up hearing it, and many adults still use it today without question.

But what is it REALLY saying?

That being a “lady” means being quiet, agreeable, dainty, and contained.
That power, passion, and boldness don’t belong to girls. side eye!!!

Even if the adult means well, like teaching respect or public behavior, the message received is often:

“Shrink yourself to be acceptable.”
“Be less to be liked.” (oof! I use to do that one! Hello!)

That’s not just outdated, it’s unfair.

Many young girls begin to dim their light early, afraid of being labeled “bossy,” “dramatic,” or “too much.”
They apologize for confidence.
They hesitate to lead.
They question their worth.

We’re here to change that.

By the way, if you are reading this and it is really hitting home on a personal level, I recommend you read this poem. I found it a few years ago and it shifted something within me. (This is an adult poem for adults, not for children.)

How to Talk About It (By Age)

Ages 3–5

“There’s no wrong way to be a girl. You’re perfect just as you are.”

Ages 6–8

“You don’t have to be quiet to be kind. Your voice matters.”

Ages 9+

“You don’t have to follow old rules about how girls ‘should’ act. You get to decide who you are.”

☑️ A child who “shrinks” herself to fit in
☑️ Kids who apologize for being confident
☑️ Fear of being called “bossy,” “too loud,” or “too much”
☑️ Girls who begin to self-silence to avoid judgment

Realistic Replacements for “That’s not ladylike”:

If you want to encourage them to: “Be respectful in public”

• “Let’s use our kind voice so everyone feels comfortable.”

• “Can you show me a respectful way to say that?”

• “It’s okay to feel that way. Let’s talk about it in a way others can hear you better.”

If you want to encourage them to : “Watch how they sit/move/dress”

• “Let’s make sure you feel safe and comfy while you sit.”

• “Are you dressed the way you feel good and confident today?”

• “Clothes don’t make you a lady. How you feel in them matters most.”

If you want to send the message that: “Their behavior seems inappropriate”

• “That was surprising. Let’s talk about what made you act that way.”

• “Let’s pause and check in. What are you trying to express right now?”

• “You can always be yourself. Just make sure it’s in a way that feels good and safe for everyone.”

If you want to pass along the message: “That’s not polite”

• “Let’s be kind in how we treat others.”

• “That might hurt someone’s feelings. Can we try again?”

• “Being a good human is better than being ‘ladylike.’”

“That’s not ladylike” may sound harmless, but it teaches girls to shrink. Here's how to guide with love, without limiting who kids believe they can be.

With gentleness,

Gahmya