I created this series to help us pause and reframe the phrases we often say on autopilot so we can raise children with confidence, emotional clarity, and a strong sense of self-worth.

Today’s phrase is a heavy one:

“I’m disappointed in you.”

It’s often said calmly. Maybe even softly. But to a child, it doesn’t sound gentle. In fact, it can feel manipulative and harsh.

We tell ourselves it’s better than yelling. That it’s controlled.
But it still cuts deep.

It teaches kids that love and acceptance depend on how well they behave. That who they are is tied to whether they make us proud.

And the truth is this one still hits home for me.

While working through this series, I realized this is something I’m still healing.
The fear of disappointing people.

I try to be the most amazing friend. The most thoughtful teacher. The kindest tourist. The one who gets it just right.

At my recent family reunion (remember I told you about it?), I brought gifts for everyone. I have over a hundred cousins! But I’ve come to realize that just showing up as me is enough. And that’s wild to admit, because I do like and love myself.

But that’s how deep the fear of disappointment can go.

That’s why I had to include this phrase in the series.
Because it sticks. And it shapes us quietly and powerfully.

Here’s what kids actually hear:

“You’re not who I thought you were.”
“You’re not enough.”
“My love is conditional.”

And that’s a dangerous message.

We want our kids to reflect, not retreat.
To take accountability, not carry shame.
To grow, not shrink themselves just to feel accepted.

No child should feel like they have to earn kindness.

And when a child makes a mistake, they don’t need punishment disguised as emotional distance.

They need love. They need guidance. And they need space to be human.

• Links love to performance: This phrase ties a child’s value to their ability to please or behave.

• Triggers shame, not reflection: Instead of understanding what went wrong, the child may internalize the idea that they are what’s wrong.

• Erodes emotional safety: If “messing up” means losing your parent’s approval, where is it safe to grow?

☑️ Over-apologizing
☑️ Fear of failure or making mistakes
☑️ Extreme self-criticism
☑️ Withdrawing or shutting down after correction 

Let’s raise children who know that their value isn’t conditional and who learn from mistakes without losing themselves.